The Turkey Hunt
by Angry Poodle
Summary: Being woken up at 3 am by KirkTurkey is no treat.Lorelai and Rory Gilmore are in for a rude awakening.JJ and Lit!R&R!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Okay, I was having trouble sleeping one night and I started to think about gg. I then thought of my favorite episodes, A tisket-a-tasket and the dance marathon.The main theme in both of those was a crazy town event. Then this fic just came to me. It's silly and pointless, but it derived from sleep deprivation so don't flame it. The main pairings will be JJ and Lit.Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Nada.

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It was almost 3 am when Rory Gilmore finally fell asleep. She'd been working on a paper for school and sleep came as a quick relief to her exhaustion. It was a shame it had to end so soon.

A loud, banging awakened Rory. She groaned. She would've given anything for another hour of sleep. Unfortunately, the banging refused to go away, leaving no other option, but to check who was messing with her sleep rhythm. She got out of bed and walked into the hallway, where she crashed into a zombie resembling her mother.

"Mom! It's too early!" Rory whined.

"I know. Hate early. Must kill early. Must kill the person causing early." Lorelai said, her eyes glazed and her voice shaking.

"C'mon, I'll help." Rory said as she dragged Lorelai to the door.

They opened the door with I'm-going-to-kill-you looks plastered on their faces. What they saw was the most bizarre thing ever.

"Kirk?" They both said at the same time.

Lorelai shook her head and groaned. She gently pinched her arm as if hoping to wake up from a nightmare, yet no such thing happened. "Un-frickin-believable." Lorelai muttered under her breath. Rory squeezed her mother's hand encouragingly, fearing that at any moment Lorelai might lunge at Kirk.

"Oh good, you're awake. I was beginning to think you were dead, since no one was getting the door." He said happily.

Seeing Kirk wasn't bizarre to anyone who'd lived in Stars Hollow. He had a tendency of showing up at the most random times. The only thing making this situation worthy of being called bizarre was the way he was dressed. As a turkey.

"So you thought we were dead, because we wouldn't answer the door at 3 am? And why are you dressed as a bird?" If Rory hadn't before, she was starting to question this man's sanity.

Kirk-Turkey only smiled, ignoring the looks on Rory and Lorelai's faces.

"Don't worry. Everything will be explained at the town meeting."

"What? This is crazy, we're going back to bed." Lorelai said, shaking her head and started to close the door, but Kirk-Turkey managed to put his foot in between.

"According to the regulation 1846-A2/c, all people living on Stars Hollow grounds must participate in all town activities. The punishment for disobeying is tar and feathers." Kirk-Turkey said seriously, as if tar and feathers was a common punisment for any misdemeanor of that rate.

"And when was this regulation made up?" Rory asked.

"In 1892, when old Dewey Gibbons' arthritis was acting up and he couldn't go fox hunting with the others." Kirk-Turkey said automatically, as if the fate of Dewey Gibbons was common knowledge.

"Figures. When are we supposed to be there?" Lorelai sighed in defeat. There was no point in fighting the Kirk-turkey. He'd just do what all abnormally large chickens do; cluck and annoy the hell out of poor, coffee/sleep-deprived women.

"Excellent! Be there in 20." Kirk-Turkey exlaimed happily and strolled off.

Lorelai shut the door and banged her head lightly against it.

"Tell me, sweet child of mine, why we live in this cruel, cruel place?" Lorelai moaned.

"There's Luke. And where there's Luke, there's the heavenly liquid commonly known as coffee." Rory soothed her mother.

"You speak words of wisdom, child." Lorelai got up, obviously preparing to retrieve the heavenly liquid no matter what it took.

**A/N**: That's the first chap, folks!Please remember to review!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thank you so much for reviewing!I had fun writing this chapter. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"He better be up." Lorelai had repeated that sentence throughout their walk to Luke's.

"Tar and feathers, remember?" Rory rubbed her temples. A headache was forming.

"I think would rather take tar and feathers, than do anything according to the rules and regulations of Stars Hollow." Lorelai said.

"I guess we'll see." Rory said as they reached Luke's.

They knocked on the door several times, but no one came. The door remained annoyingly motionless.

Lorelai stomped her foot impatiently.

"Oh no! I won't do whatever the hell this is, sleep deprived and coffee deprived! One way or another, I'm going to get coffee." Lorelai's voice grew more shrill with each word. Rory sat down on the steps and put her head in her hands. Too early.

"And how exactly are you planning on getting coffee? Please, enlighten me."

Rory raised her head to see who it was, knowing it to be redundant. She could recognise his voice whenever. She could also imagine the smirk plastered on his face right now. He always smirked and it bothered her infinitely. He was a puzzle with a missing piece and she was unable to read him. Suddenly, someone else popped into her mind, someone who was predictable and safe. Perhaps too safe. Rory shook the thought out of her head.

"Jess! Could this night get any worse?" Lorelai cursed under her breath. Rory opted to quietly stare at him.

"Glad to be of service, ma'am." Jess smirked and tipped an invisible hat.

"What are you doing up, anyways?"

"Well, I was already asleep, when all of a sudden, I see Kirk beside my bed. Now that's scary."

"Wait a second! How did he get in?"

"Apparently, He's been watching me and knew where the spare key was. Of course, my uncle the hard worker, slept through all of this."

"Kirk's been spying on you? Creepy. And you just left Luke sleeping?"

"When Luke is asleep, there's no waking him up."

"So why don't you just walk off and leave us alone?"

"I still want to hear your master plan. How you're going to get coffee." Jess raised his eyebrows.

"Fine! I don't have a plan, but I need coffee, you little punk!" Lorelai yelled frustratedly.

"You shouldn't be so mean to the person in possession of the keys to the diner." Jess smiled and dangled the keys in front of Lorelai.

"Jess, could you perhaps give me the keys?" Lorelai asked and gave him the puppy eyes.

"You forgot please."

"Jess, the love of my life, the reason for my existence, could you please give me the keys?" Lorelai was practically on her knees, begging. Rory had to stifle a laugh, looking at how her mother was treating the town hoodlum.

"Aw jeez! You didn't have to take it that far! Fine, I'll give you the keys on the condition, that you never say anything like that again." Jess had backed away from Lorelai and looked absolutely terrified.

Lorelai and Rory burst out laughing. Jess rolled his eyes and started to open the door.

"Thank you darling", Lorelai cooed as they walked to the door, "I don't know what I'd do without you and your special abilities." Rory giggled.

Jess glared.

"Get in."

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"How the hell can someone sleep through Kirk?" Lorelai asked incredulously, looking at the sleeping form of Luke.

"And how can anyone snore that loud?" Rory added in amazement.

"My thoughts exactly." Jess finished for them.

"It's time for him to return to the living." Lorelai headed to the kitchen and poured ice cold water into a glass.

"Mom, that's just cruel!" Rory tried to stop her, but Lorelai quickly made it to the bed.

"Or genius." Jess suggested and smirked.

Lorelai threw the water on Luke, who rolled out of his bed on the floor. Luke grunted and opened his eyes.

"Lorelai? Rory? What are you doing here and why did you wake me up?" Luke asked and rubbed his eyes.

"Well, it's an interesting story. We were sleeping in our beds,when all of a sudden, Kirk-turkey came and told us, that there's a town meeting. Then we came here to get coffee and ran into this lovely, young man you call nephew." Lorelai rambled.

"Kirk-Turkey? Coffee? Town meeting?" Luke asked.

"Are you slow and turning into a copy of Jess? Okay, Kirk dressed as a turkey, heavenly liquid/necessity and Taylor's gone cuckoo! Savvy?"

'She's getting too much pleasure out of this', Rory thought.

"You expect me to make you coffee and attend a town meeting at 3.30? You're cracked." Luke remained where he was (on the floor), shaking his head repeteadly.

"Luke, if I'm going down then you're going down with me. And if this doesn't sound like something you'd like to do then I'll tell Taylor you refused to participate and kicked puppies!" Lorelai had her hands on her hips now.

Luke immediately jumped up.

"Milk, sugar or cream?"

They had coffee at Luke's and then headed off to Miss Patty's.

"How can you hate Grease? It's a classic!" Rory asked Jess. Jess rolled his eyes.

"It's childish! Everything is so jolly and they all have a happily ever after!" Jess complained.

"So you don't like it, because it's too happy? James Dean returns." Rory stated and shook her head.

"Real life isn't that happy."

"Well it's not as depressing as you make it out to be."

"I'm sorry, but you haven't really experienced the pain of living it yet."

Rory stuck out her tongue. Jess smiled at her. She couldn't help but smile back. Call it sleep deprivation or infatuation, either way, it was there.

They arrived at Miss Patty's.

"Rory!"

Rory, Lorelai, Jess and Luke turned to see who was shouting. It was Dean looking dumbfounded.

"Dean!" Rory tried to sound cheery. In fact, seeing Dean had only brought down her spirits.

"Why are you with him?" Dean asked, nodding at Jess.

"Kirk came and he had feathers. He wasn't carrying them, he was wearing them. Okay, that sounds like a giant bird swallowed Kirk. Well, then mom wanted coffee and Jess let us in, and we came here together."

"I don't get it." Dean said and looked even more confused than usual.

"And I'm not surprised." Jess said and smiled innocently.Rory was half expecting a fist fight to erupt. Luckily it didn't, but Dean tugged at her wrist.

"Rory Cmon, you can sit with me." Dean said, his eyes glaring at Jess.

"Okay!" Rory faked a smile and let him hold her hand. Dean led her farther away from her mom, Luke and most importantly, Jess. She had no idea why she craved his company so badly. He was like a drug to her; she could never get enough.

Jess waved at her and then turned away. She kept looking back.

"Okay people, I know you're curious about the happenings of this morning, but first I'm going to do a name call. If you don't hear your name called out, then raise your hand." Taylor said.

Taylor started the name call, calling out practically everyone in Stars Hollow. Actually, the only ones holding their hands up were Dean, Rory, Kirk, Lorelai, Luke and Jess.

Taylor looked at them, not saying a word.

"Oh.This is a surprise." Taylor muttered to himself and started scribbling something down on a notepad.

"Taylor! I have been very patient up to this point! Either you tell us what's going on or I'm out!" Luke yelled and received cheers from Lorelai.

"Don't be so fussy, Luke! It just turned out this way. You six are the chosen ones!" Taylor yelled back.

"What!" All six yelled back.

"Fine. I, Miss Patty, Babette and Kirk designed a new town gathering. It's called 'The Annual Stars Hollow Turkey Hunt'! The point of the turkey hunt is that we choose six contestants, four teams, that must find their own turkeys the fastest. The rest will bet on their favorite team. 10 of the winnings are used to restore the bridge."

Murmurs of shock rang out in the room.

"This is ridiculous! You can't just use people for your own sick entertainment!" Luke yelled and stood up, ready to leave.

"I wouldn't go as far as to call it sick...", Taylor muttered, "But why not?"

"Because...Because It's not fair!" Lorelai joined in, obviously grasping at straws.

"Tar and feathers, Lorelai." Taylor reminded.

"Ugh. Whatever." Lorelai huffed. She had obviously surrendered to her fate.

"So there's nothing we can do to stop this?" Luke asked.

"No, but it's not that bad. You get a trophy!" Taylor excitedly said and clapped his hands together.

Lorelai started grinning like the cheshire cat.

"Why didn't you just say so?", Lorelai walked over to Rory, "Come on offspring, we have a trophy to win!"

"Actually, Lorelai, you're with Luke." Taylor said and everyone in the room started giggling. They all knew about the denied attraction between the two and wanted to see what would happen now as they were paired up.

Dean stood up and put his arm around Rory, who was glancing around the room awkwardly. Jess rolled his eyes at the sight.

"Don't worry, Lorelai, I'll take good care of her." Dean said and flashed a winning smile at Lorelai.

"No, Dean, you won't." Taylor said as his cheeks turned deep crimson.

"What? Why?" Dean asked angrily, missing the sigh of relief coming from Rory.

"Well, because you're with Kirk." Taylor said as if it was obvious.

"What?" Dean asked, shaking his head.

"I chose you!", Kirk said, "I figured that you were athletic and tall, so you'd be the best! We're going to have so much fun!" Kirk clapped his hands together. Dean didn't look all that pleased.

"So if Lorelai's with Luke..." Dean started.

"And you're with Kirk..." Lorelai continued horrorstruck.

"Then I'm with Jess." Rory finished.

Jess looked at them from his seat and smirked. This morning was bound to be interesting.

**A/N**: There it is! I should tell you that this fic takes place somewhere near the end of the second season. This fic will be equally JJ as it is lit.Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews and enjoy!

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"So do you think we should---"

"Nope." Luke answered.

They were all still at Miss Patty's. For the last 5 minutes, Lorelai and Luke had sat beside each other not saying anything.

"Are you sure? Because we could just go---" Lorelai again started hopefully.

"Not a chance." Luke cut her off.

"Lukeyyy." Lorelai drawled and batted her eyelashes.

"Lorelai." Luke warned her.

"A trophy, Luke. A big, shiny trophy." Lorelai sighed dreamily.

"A piece of metal junk." Luke retorted.

"Luke. I need this. I'm tired and I could really use a piece of metal junk." Lorelai pleaded and batted her eyelashes.

"If we're fast." Luke forfeited.

"Call me supergirl!" Lorelai said and smiled brightly.

"You really want to be the one of the suckiest comic book characters ever?" Luke asked, his voice laced with disgust.

Lorelai rolled her eyes. "You're such a geek."

"I'm not geek!" Luke protested.

"C'mon my little nerd, we have a trophy to win." Lorelai said cheekily and headed towards Taylor for more directions.

Luke just shook his head and followed her.

"Rory, You can't do this to me!" Dean yelled angrily.

"What do you mean?" Rory asked, trying to sound clueless. In all fairness, she knew exactly what Dean was talking about. About who, to be more exact.

"Him! You can't go with him!" Dean screamed and pointed his finger frantically at Jess.

"You know it's rude to point your finger at people. And watch that vein in your neck. It looks like it's ready to pop." Jess smiled wickedly. It was obvious that he was getting a lot of pleasure from the current situation.

"He's just a friend, Dean." Rory said and looked at her shoes. Even she didn't believe it.

"Don't go." Dean said seriously.

"It's a town event. I've never intentionally missed one." Rory tried to reason.

"I won't allow this!" Dean said childishly with a tone of finality.

Rory sighed. Dean could be so daft sometimes. Did he really think he could decide things for her. She was her mother's daughter, for christ's sakes!

"I'm not asking for your permission. I'm going. Deal with it." Rory winced at her own words. When did she become so rude?

Dean's shoulders slumped and he sighed in defeat.

"Fine. But I'm going with Kirk. I'll be watching you." Dean said.

Rory furrowed her eyebrows and Jess snorted.

"Yeah, because girls just love to see a creepy stalker jack off to them." Jess said sarcastically.

"Jess!" Rory tried to say angrily, even though Jess just voiced her own thoughts too.

"I'll see you around." Dean mumbled.

Rory turned around to look at Jess. He was obviously trying not to laugh. She put her hands to her hips and huffed.

"You think this is funny?" Rory glared at him. Jess couldn't take it anymore and started to laugh hysterically.

"I'll be watching you? Is that the guy's idea of a healthy relationship?" He said in between laughs and genuinely smiled at her.

Rory couldn't help but laugh with him. Was it wrong to laugh at your boyfriend with said boyfriend's worst enemy? She didn't know and frankly just didn't care.

C'mon Dr. Phil, we should go." Rory said, her eyes twinkling at him.

"After you, Oprah." He smirked and followed her lead.

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"Uh, Kirk?" Dean hesitantly asked. He looked at the feathered man in front of him and wondered if this was a good idea. He shook the thought out of his head when he remembered his own jealousy.

"Yes?" The Kirk-Turkey turned to look at him.

"I have a proposition for you." Dean said and started to think of how to phrase his question. How to ask a grown man dressed as a turkey to spy on his girlfriend?

"Oh what is it?" The Kirk-Turkey asked excitedly.

"Do you think that instead of hunting turkeys, we could do something else?" Dean asked.

"But I dressed up for the occasion and everything! This is my best suit!" Kirk whined childishly. After this last comment, Dean made a mental note to check out Kirk's wardrobe some day. Of the wonders that could be found there.

"I was thinking that we could pretend to be agents and spy on people." Dean tried to make it sound less creepy, but it wouldn't probably matter to Kirk.

"Like James Bond? I used to pretend to be him when I was younger! People would get very frightened when I would jump from the bushes with a toy gun." Kirk stated happily.

"Uh yeah, exactly like James Bond. So, you in?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, why not! But you know what James Bond needs?" Kirk asked seriously.

"What?" Dean hesitantly asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

"A bondgirl." Kirk said happily.

Dean looked horrified and for a moment, regretted ever even speaking to Kirk.

A/N: I'm sorry that this is so short, but I thought that I should get some things out of the way first. What did you think? Please review!


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